As i sit here in my hotel room, floating amongst the clouds, i cannt help but think of you. I think of our progression and who you have become as a person...
You were a broken heart with no direction ir sense of self. You became a stronger person, with more knowledge and an even better appreciation for me. You found happiness and a place of peace.
Good friggin job kiddo lol!
So my brother and his girlfriend want to go to a club for halloween...dress up and everything. Part of me wants to go but part of me doesnt. I think its because i feel like shit. I dont feel pretty enough to be going to a club or skinny enough.
I admit, i have weight issues and they kind of just crept up on me one day. I dont really wanna do the things my friends wanna do. Like clubbing. Never was a fan of it but i went on occasion when my friends really were like "sorry your not saying no to me".
But now i just feel so antisocial. All i do is go to work and come home. I feel alone but i dont wanna feel this way. I wanna go out and do things but im not sure what i wanna do. or how i wanna do them. Its weird.
Sometimes i really feel like my weight is hindering me. Or that im just overthinking it. I think i am overthinking it. I am overthinking it.
Alone in a sea of people. Becoming one with my thoughts.
My heart and my head will never agree on any one subject...love, like or otherwise.
I think i've come to that conclusion but i can't help but be sad about it...especially now.
I know how i feel about him....but there are so many problems...
I know how i feel about him...but my mind feels like there's no point at this moment...let it go!
After so long, i'm not sure if i can. But i think something in me already has...but what it has let go of, i'm not sure.
I really need to stop thinking so much...i should be sleeping actually haha...
I wonder if the insomniac shall make another appearance...
Love.Live. Life guys
-S
I'm having dreams of things i don't want to dream about.
It makes me crave what i can't have and thats not healthy...is it?
They are getting progressively worse...and when i don't dream about it...i have nightmares....really bad nightmares.
Sometimes i'm afraid of going to sleep. So weird lol i know.
But when i dream this dream....it makes me want it so much more. What do i do?
Follow through means hurting someone i care for. Sigh.
What do i do?
i'm working again! its not the greatest job but it gives me money and freedom so yaaaaaaaaaay!
other than that, my tummy has been cramping a lot for some odd reason. If it persists past the weekend, i'm gonna make an appt to see my doctor.
that is all kiddies :)
Love.Live.Life
-S
As i sit here chilling in my room, i've come to an astounding revelation...
I wear my heart on my sleeve.....immensely. I can't help it. Everything i do, i do with all of me especially when it comes to love. I'm not sure if its because i think it won't last, so i want to get as much of the good stuff as possible, or because i just want my emotions to be known and there to be no secret about it. Either way, i love hard....i like hard....i fuck hard...and apparently at times i can be hard....
All or nothing baby!
-S
Hey, just wanted to say, hope everything is good with you. Saw the pic of you and the baby mama you said you never had. You guys are cute ! Hope it works out with you two and thank you for allowing me to dodge that bullet :)
Have a good life!
Is what i said to this niggah who i went on a date with, who went on to tell me, upon discovering a carseat in his back seat, that he didn't have a baby mama and that when i said, i wouldnt mind dating a guy who did have children, told me he respects me so much more and bla bla bla! Like why lie? Its not like i would have respected you any less because of it, shit happens and if your taking care of your responsibility, I am not one to just write someone off because of it. It makes me happy that i was a little too busy for him at that time, to really see him that much, plus i didn't sleep with him when he asked for me to go back to his place...Thank you conscience!! hahaha
I <3 dating life lol
Yaaay! 200 posts, i'm quite happy with myself....
It probably would have been sooner should i have actually kept track and just wrote in here when i knew i wanted to, but just never a) got the courage or b)was just utterly far to lazy to do so :) anyway....it has happened and i'm happy for this.
Anyway, onto the Tarot card reading that i had yesterday....It's funny...i had it done before and it had said some things that actually turned out to be quite true, now that i think back on it...including my break up with my recent boyfriend. So to say i was naturally intrigued about what it might propose for me this time was a statement already made in my mind.
This reading was about my financial status and about my love life....apparently I won't be finding mr. right anytime soon, but will definitely be finding a lot of mr. right nows, that will satisfy me for a moment, and then i will get bored or dissatisfied and move on. Its a little unnerving i suppose because i've always seemed to be the "relationship girl" and now it seems like i'm not going to be that girl anymore. The whole scenario reminds me of this girl i used to know but i digress.....
As for my financial status, it said i shall be accomplishing a goal that i've been trying to accomplish for quite some time now, and that be continuing to do so, as the hurt of my relationships...meaning i need to find a balance. I can see that happening i suppose...i really want to be a nurse and unfortunately for me, i am willing to hold off on a serious relationship until i become super stable, or at least in my own home, whether that be condo, apartment or actually house (ya most likely the former and not the latter).
Anyway, that was pretty much the synopsis, but it can change, or so i am told so we will see...
Kind of creepy...isn't it?
-S
I'm no longer having sex with my ex.
I can't do it anymore....after all this time, which technically has only been about 3 months or so...i don't trust him. And if i really wanna trust him, how can i build that and have sex with the man? Thats really not about to happen though lol...so i've stopped it
I've also actually stopped having sex all together which was alright up until a couple days ago when this guy i know, told me he was working out....and hes sexy as hell...which gave me images and it was a wrap from then. I'm seeing him in a couple weeks and i think i might come to a breaking point with this whole celibacy thing and fuck him real good.....but we never know lol
That isn't my intention for visiting, please keep in mind lol....i'm going to genuinely see him and where he's living now and whatnot....plus, i really need to get out of Toronto lol....so hey, i get a little snog in while i'm there, then who am i to refrain from it? haha
I guess we will see how long this celibacy crap goes on for...fuck its hard.....
why you ask? just the other day, i was asked by a dude when he's gonna get into my bedroom....and i really really wanna. But his friend is a guy who is supposedly really into me lol....quite the coincidink...isn't it haha....
Would it be a bad thing to have sex with this guy? Probably lol...am i going to? we shall seee lol
Mwah!
-S
Fuck that girl that you love so bad,
I had a dream...
I was sitting, waiting to enter a banquet for something, doing some bhangra dance with a few friends, but then my ex shows up out of no where and pays attention to my two friends and doesn't pay me any mind.
I sit on the floor because i feel like my ego and emotions are all out of wack, then i see some guy walk up to me. I looked up and it was my best freind from my childhood. I got up and gave him the biggest hug and started crying....
It felt so real...
He then said "i'm back for good...and i'm not going anywhere again"
Words i've been waiting for, for many years now...
We hugged, i introduced him to people, we found people who know who he was and why he disappeared....then my dream finished....i woke up dissappointed because i know that sometimes my dreams come true...and i know deep down this one never will...
I miss you J.C....i wish you were here and not stuck in a life i don't think you should be in...
-S
I'm going to get just as big as my cousin who is nearing 300 pounds because i eat awfully and don't even attempt exercise and all i do all day is stuff my face...
Although these past two weeks i've been trying to work out every day...
Although, i've also tried drinking at least a litre of water every day and have been peeing like a horse...
Although, its been seen and told to that i'm trying to make better food choices, and better portion control....
But that doesn't seem to matter to her...not at all....
Because i still continue to eat everything inside the house, even though i've been told numerous times that i never eat what's here....
Then she wonders where all the weight came from when she has an emotional eater for a daughter...
Thanks mom! You will never know how your words contributed to 30 pounds of support and late night solo dining parties with my computer...
-S
I can't help but think about him....
but the thoughts are purely erotic...
Imaging his lips on every part of my body....mmm
I love summer...i swear my horniness exponentially increases and as much as it hurts my soul...i can't help but enjoy every second of the thoughts:P
-S
a lot of fun....but i couldn't help but feel like the ugly friend....
ok not so harsh...the not as pretty as the other two friends..friend
Normally i don't feel this way when i'm on my own...i just tend to feel not always at my best but last night...i dunno.
I guess what might have done it, is that my bestie and her friend were getting so much attention from these guys and i'm not really sure if it was because they knew the guys, or if it was something else...
Unfortunately for me, whenever i'm with my bestie, i tend to feel like the not so attractive one. She's gorgeous and i'm not jealous of that...but sometimes i feel fat, or i feel just not attractive, whether it be with my curly hair, or my not so flat stomach...or my legs that i refuse to show because they have cellulite on them and i just don't feel all that comfortable.
But ya, i digress....i think it just stems back to the fact that i still have this element of shyness to me that i can't seem to shake...that and i feel like i don't have the confidence to just walk up to a guy i think is cute,and say just that...you're cute!
It also makes me wonder what it is about me that guys don't come up to me and say i'm pretty...but at the same time...its like why the fuck should i even care right?
I guess i'm not as comfortable in my own skin as i thought....
I have a month to change that hahaha...because Florida is not forgiving...or so i hear and i want to look and feel good when i go:)
-S
I have them...and they were recently amped up a bit...
And then i found this song....
I love Drake haha
He always understands me:)
I am in love with Adele's album, 21.
The whole album speaks to me because i know how it feels to feel everything she felt in each of her songs...its quite interesting.
It's really good! Her voice has amazing range and is just beautiful to the ear....man!
Here's a song that I've been listening to constantly for the past couple days...
It's called someone like you...it speaks to me as per recent events...
I hope i find someone like you in the future....because right now i can't be with you...
Everytime i think i'm that same person from last year...just with a new experience...i realize that i'm lying to myself.
I'm never the same person....every year, something changes within me to make the next year a completely new one. Normally i'm one for change but this is just getting ridiculous now lol
I feel like i'm losing the person i thought i was and enjoyed being, into this new person that i've become and i'm not sure that i like it. But then again, i felt the same way last year and learned to become accustomed to the changes that had come....maybe thats all i need?
Change.
Change of scenery?
Change within my circle of friends?
Change in myself?
Just change...
Lose yourself....or end up losing yourself in the process...you decide
Sigh. On the bright side, i think i've had my last cigarette for a very long time! so yaay for that change haha
-S
So i was chilling on my desktop, going through my documents and stuff...and i found this and laughed lol....so i felt like sharing:)
I wonder what life might be. With the rising and setting of the sun, thoughts pour in and out of my head.
Can it stop?
Will i want it to?
Never!
It keeps me alive like the music i breathe.
Breathe in. I get money.
Breathe out. True love.
Will i pass this course? Kiss kiss.
Will i drop another guy? No regrets.
It's what i do.
It's how i cope with the everyday.
Few don't understand while others try to and stop before they begin.
I don't expect others to understand my thoughts.
That's why they are my thoughts.
Flowing like the Nile down a path....
No end in sight.
No beginning to learn from.
I wonder why i wonder so much. All it causes is a headache. Reminds me of math when i try.
Functions and equations.
Not for me.
I guess it helps me function when it equates to my situation.
As i lay here, motionless. I think again about the next thought.
Will i remember him?
Have i given up on love?
Will the Raptors lose again?
Thoughts. Images. Dreams. Aspirations. Desires. Longings.
All the same, yet all different.
Playing like a symphony in my mind.
Inna my heart.
Maybe i think too much.
Probably.
Definately.
Never. Neverending.
Thoughts
HORNY! oh my gawd!
I don't know why but ever so often..i keep touchin maself....
This is bad lol...
Fuck! i just wanna fuck....is that so much to ask?!
-S
I didn't get the job at the hospital i wanted to work at...
I'm sad.
But i could tell from the interview that i wasn't going to get it....i fumbled..i wasn't confident...and i was at the beginnings of strep throat without even knowing it. But i can't make excuses right?
I really hope i can find a job at another hospital, or in the same hospital. Or somewhere...but right now, i'm just sad and disappointed in myself.
I think its because i thought i made a big impression, didn't make mistakes and was upfront with who i was as a person but i guess it wasn't enough. Hopefully one day...
-S
It needs to be epic!....
I have a bucket list to complete if not, check things off.
There are things that just needs to happen this summer haha
Here are some stuff off my bucket list...
-Travel to at least 2 states
-Sleep with a lady
-Dance in Caribana whether it be in the parade or just off to the sideline with my friends...(fuck its new name!)
-do something daring that i would never do...( this one has already been checked off...went streaking with a mask on :))
Thats all i got so far...but all i know is that i should better get some if not all this stuff done:P and so much more
....I just went out for a smoke...
I have spent the last 3 years helping and almost scolding my best friend because of her smoking...and i've commended her on trying to quit.
But i cracked...bought a small pack the other day...
This month has been insanely stressful to the point to where my period lasted two days....it never lasts two days...and i never smoke...ever~!
But there i was at 1:30 in the morning...cigarette in one hand and phone in the other with my head phones on listening to sweet nothings in my ear as my hand trembled...I'm not sure if it was the fact that this exam of mine is in two days and it pretty much determines my life of nursing...or if its the fact that i've found my ex boyfriend on a dating website....or both...
Can't really say for sure anymore...all i know is that I wish I was 18 again. I was single for a short period of time and i was happy with things. Life was almost too simple and i wanted more....but i was fine with that. I know i'll get through this blip of emotion-filled awkwardness but for now...I need to focus on this exam and stopping smoking. I really don't want to start another habit....my love for lingerie already has me breaking bank i don't have haha.
Plus, i hate the taste and the smell on my hands and clothing.
-S
It's not what you think....
Its meant to mean that I had slight moments of happiness these past couple days.
Went to Niagara falls....had me a good time with an old friend. He comforted me when i felt shitty and made me feel so much better about myself and my situation. It made me miss being with him...not so much relationship wise but as a friend.
Then i came back to reality and it seem to just get shitty again....
Salvation came in the form of my besty who took me out shopping and made me realize that i've spent waaaay too much money on food and bullshit and i really need to save the little bit of money that i have left. Which i hope to be able to do:)
But ya....those two days were the accumulation of my baby happiness....
I hope soon she grows up...i need a little more happiness in my life right now:)
-S
BTW, went streaking the other night....it felt so good to feel that free of everything!
We could have had it all.....rolling in the deep....you had my heart inside of your hand...and you played it to the beat....
I hate that i love you now....you betrayed me...now that i think about it, i almost wish you cheated because then i might be able to deal with it a little bit easier....you at least went the full enchilada
I can't trust you. I can't trust what you say as truth because i will always wonder what would have happened if i didn't show up....what you would have done.
I hate crying over you. But i'll get over this and you...
I just hope that one day i can at least trust you to be my friend but for right now...that can't be...
I haven't felt this heartbroken in years...sigh.
-S
But i know what i did was for the best right now....
I just miss his smell though:(...
-S
I love you. But i can't be with you right now. It's me, not you..as cliche as that sounds...its true. As much as it hurts me to admit it to myself, and now to you...
I wish with all of my heart that this didn't happen. That these feelings would just disappear....and i tried for months to ignore it and teach myself different...but they never did.
I want to marry you. I wanna have your children....One day. But not now.
When i'm ready for you. When i'm in a different place.
Will you wait for me? I know its selfish to ask...but i can't help but hope that you will...and understand if you can't. But who am i to ask this of you after what i've done....
I can't help but hope...
No matter what, i will always love you...
Despite what you may or may not think...you are the love of my life....
-S
I want to watch two people have sex. Male/female or female/female....don't ask why because I couldn't really tell you:P I guess i wanna refine my technique by seeing what other techniques might be out there?
Not sure lol but I just have the urge to sit down with a rum and coke and watch two people really...and i mean really! realy! go at it.
....Any interested parties? haha
-S
Sex is great..
Fucking is dyam awesome and nearly breaks my legs...
But making love is what i enjoy most....the fact that i have the best orgasm and there was no foreplay....
Thats what i prefer:)
-S
...I would like to have some....right now.
I'm tired as fuck and yet that is what is on my mind...someone...well my someone...to pound it into me...
I would wake up for that....
But that's prolly not happening until next week...although i'm hoping for even a quickie this week just to settle me....
Fuck do i wanna fuck lol
-S
Btw, i'm creating a things to do before 30 list...i'll post it soon when i'm finished:)
I've been riding on this train for about a week now and i need to get off...
I'm stressed with not finishing my clinical hours on time because of being sick or what have you. I want to make up the hours but i'm afraid i won't be able to on time and that worries me. What also worries me is my lack of ability to send things on time it seems and i know i'm probably annoying the shit out of my faculty advisor but at least i'm getting it in right?
Not. Its annoying and when you have so many other kids taking care of in other settings, its no wonder she's getting annoyed with me probably. I don't know how my preceptor isn't getting annoyed with me as well but hopefully she isn't and still wants me to work on her floor but i guess time will tell. I will be seeing her this weekend when i go back...I'm worried.
I hope i can kick this out and get some more hours so i can finish on time.
I've been taking it out on hubby and he doesn't deserve it. I know he wonders why im so tired all the time it seems. Once he reads this...he will know why.
I don't sleep at night like i used to. I'm restless...and i wake up periodically. I have way too much on my mind.
I need to get off this train...
-S
Treat sex like alcohol.
Whether you sip it, chug it, or have a destructive chemical dependancy to it, make sure you're in control.
When you bring that frosty mug of sex to your lips, you'd better make sure you're the one calling the shots...
I love it:)
-S
I touched her soft body, wanting to play her notes in a sweet melody...but only in a dream. Only in my dream was such a thing really going to occur because she was a movie star. I was just me. But one day, maybe?
Yes. That day would come one day in the form of a lot of alcohol and a lot of talking. It's amazing what a touch of grand marnier can do for one's tongue in such a venue.
She spoke of her discomfort with ehr life. The people who just didn't matter because of their elusive mannerisms. And i listened...i listened onto every word until something interesting happened. She kissed me and it was over...all borders were down...smashed even.
This odd dream that i had for a while, finally came to pass except i imagined a piano. But she isn't a piano to be played...but more of a violin to be stroked slowly...then suddenly to make the noises in which i desired...small then strong was my symphony and oh how sweet it sounded. I looked upon the great music that i was making and became enamored by the curves in her back when i played that special note.
Not before long, she became a new instrument...my flute made an even better song when my lips became involved. Two fingers and a subtle blow was all she needed. I played and played on her supple body until she yelped a cry that was music to my ears. My ultimate ending to such a symphony. My ultimate satisfaction to see her laying there in such a position...one of grandeur and grace...what i always wanted.
The movie starr laid before in nothing but a black and white bra...and my symphony was complete...
Gotta love that grand marnier;)
-S
"Your mouth is like freakin heaven!..."
This is what he said after a minute of a blowjob from me.
Its comments like that, and his subsequent need to jack off as quickly as he can so as to keep the feeling of my mouth lingering on his dick....which gives me the ego that i possess!
Now when those words come from a girl one day, and i get the same reaction...then i'll be fucking GOLDEN! hahaha
-S
I feel like j woww to a ronnie...except we are both girls...
But i know the situation....
I was in it 4 years ago...
the constant back and forth...the unofficial break up that never actually happened...the raw feelings...the feelings i tried to bury 4 years ago...
they had to resurface...
I hate knowing how she feels because i know as much as i wanted to console her, i couldn't...because no one could console me.
I had to get rid of it myself. I had to stop thinking that whatever it is we had, wouldn't work and i would just need to move on. I needed to know that as much as i loved being in his arms...feeling his kisses...looking into his eyes...that it just wouldn't work. But i kept being pulled back into the cycle...his cycle. I allowed myself to get pulled back in. Until he stopped it with another girl...and i was broken...
It took a year...i buried it and went on with my life...then i met an amazing man that i'm still lovingly with who wouldn't do that to me....but my bestie is now going through it with a guy who doesn't deserve her.
He's pulling her into a cycle that she doesn't deserve to be in because shes been in it so many times before....but she allowed it. I was giving advice and then the buried came alive and i broke. I hate doing that.
But thats what happened. And even now, my heart still breaks for her because either way i know shes going to be feeling pain and i hate knowing that. I hate knowing anyone who is close to me, is being hurt by someone.
Hence why i feel like j woww....if you don't know the reference...watch jersey shore. She went through it...and is telling ronnie that she went through it and it isn't his fault.
Sigh....im so emotionally done right now...and it isn't even my situation!
But just reliving those feelings....
I'm horny...today ive been insanely horny with no release....
I just finished my period and i'm assuming thats probably why i have the mind of a man...well i normally have the mind of a man but now its been heightened.
I want to fuck everything that looks amazing in my sight...guy and girl...
example you ask? I saw a girl wearing red...one of my favorite colors and she had an amazing rack and an even better ass...if only i could have her on my lap...then life would be amazing:)
Anyhow, i'm going to partake in some TLC;) Later days my loves
-S
earlier today..i took a little catnap because i was feeling drowsy...
I had a dream...and what a dream it was:)
The general synopsis is that i had sex with a beautiful lady..long legs, caramel skin, long brown hair down her back...some mixed girl from around the way it seems...
The dream was quite vivid but i shall spare the details mainly because my fingers don't feel too novelish today haha
Anyway, i ended up doing her, and leaving in the morning with me listening to a sing called lets get it in by Lloyd and 50 Cent...i woke up laughing:) why you ask? because the song was playing from my computer when i woke:)
I heart dreams!
-S
And i've been having fun with it;)
That is all peeps:)
Love. Live. Life
-S
BTW, my new years was boss! hope yours was too!!
