Smoking in my deep

....I just went out for a smoke...

I have spent the last 3 years helping and almost scolding my best friend because of her smoking...and i've commended her on trying to quit.

But i cracked...bought a small pack the other day...

This month has been insanely stressful to the point to where my period lasted two days....it never lasts two days...and i never smoke...ever~!

But there i was at 1:30 in the morning...cigarette in one hand and phone in the other with my head phones on listening to sweet nothings in my ear as my hand trembled...I'm not sure if it was the fact that this exam of mine is in two days and it pretty much determines my life of nursing...or if its the fact that i've found my ex boyfriend on a dating website....or both...

Can't really say for sure anymore...all i know is that I wish I was 18 again. I was single for a short period of time and i was happy with things. Life was almost too simple and i wanted more....but i was fine with that. I know i'll get through this blip of emotion-filled awkwardness but for now...I need to focus on this exam and stopping smoking. I really don't want to start another habit....my love for lingerie already has me breaking bank i don't have haha.

Plus, i hate the taste and the smell on my hands and clothing.

-S

baby happiness

It's not what you think....

Its meant to mean that I had slight moments of happiness these past couple days.

Went to Niagara falls....had me a good time with an old friend. He comforted me when i felt shitty and made me feel so much better about myself and my situation. It made me miss being with him...not so much relationship wise but as a friend.

Then i came back to reality and it seem to just get shitty again....

Salvation came in the form of my besty who took me out shopping and made me realize that i've spent waaaay too much money on food and bullshit and i really need to save the little bit of money that i have left. Which i hope to be able to do:)

But ya....those two days were the accumulation of my baby happiness....

I hope soon she grows up...i need a little more happiness in my life right now:)

-S

BTW, went streaking the other night....it felt so good to feel that free of everything!

Rolling in the deep

We could have had it all.....rolling in the deep....you had my heart inside of your hand...and you played it to the beat....

I hate that i love you now....you betrayed me...now that i think about it, i almost wish you cheated because then i might be able to deal with it a little bit easier....you at least went the full enchilada

I can't trust you. I can't trust what you say as truth because i will always wonder what would have happened if i didn't show up....what you would have done.

I hate crying over you. But i'll get over this and you...

I just hope that one day i can at least trust you to be my friend but for right now...that can't be...

I haven't felt this heartbroken in years...sigh.

-S

i mis his smell

But i know what i did was for the best right now....

I just miss his smell though:(...

-S

I love him...

I love you. But i can't be with you right now. It's me, not you..as cliche as that sounds...its true. As much as it hurts me to admit it to myself, and now to you...

I wish with all of my heart that this didn't happen. That these feelings would just disappear....and i tried for months to ignore it and teach myself different...but they never did.

I want to marry you. I wanna have your children....One day. But not now.

When i'm ready for you. When i'm in a different place.

Will you wait for me? I know its selfish to ask...but i can't help but hope that you will...and understand if you can't. But who am i to ask this of you after what i've done....

I can't help but hope...

No matter what, i will always love you...

Despite what you may or may not think...you are the love of my life....

-S