a girl's wet dream...

I was in a room i've never been in before with a man i've never seen before.

He kissed me gently but then it was like a switch went and there we went. Head first into the pillows, he then laid on top of me and shoved it in. He grabbed my curly hair and continued to go...in and out...in....then out. He grabbed my face in the most gentle way and kissed me with a kiss so foreign to me. It was like breathing wasn't a requirement. When it was needed, i breathed so loudly, it overshadowed the moans that would slip out.

He turned me over, slammed me onto my bed, took my legs up and went in again. It was slow this time, sensual and like a love would do. I continued my heavy breathing, furrowed brows and shaking head...unsure how this is happened, or the last time i felt this good. Then he kissed me again and i came back to earth just before i came.

And then i woke up.

Fuck, i need to get laid....

-S

Just another day?

So today is my birthday...the day i'm officially over the hill as some people have mentioned to me today lol...

Its weird because i want to celebrate but at the same time i feel like its just another day. I kinda wanna celebrate because i feel like i should. Its a milestone right? But then again do i really need to? lol Also, who do i celebrate with?

Two weeks ago, i was amped to go bowling and do all these things....but then as the day got closer and closer, the feeling lessened and lessened. Meh. Maybe its age? Or as usual i'm overthinking it.

In the end, if i hear from those around me who i care about, then my heart smiles and thats all i need.

So to those out there who i love who shouted me out today, thank you because i didn't wake up feeling too great and you guys made me feel so amazing.

-S

You're everywhere

We got into a fight last night...it wasn't fun and i wanted to punch things.

I'm now at a point where if he wants to see it, it is up to him to decide how that will happen. I'm tired of always being the one in the relationship to push seeing someone and being there and with someone. I don't want to be the one to keep trying and trying to see him and all i get is "I don't know what will happen between now and then. Wait and i will let you know if its okay". Its december and its already would cost me 800 dollars buying it now...what do you think will happen in 3 weeks when you finally decide its ok for me to be with you for your birthday and christmas while your alone in your apt becuase you can't go home?

Boys are dumb and have issues. You don't see when someone is trying to be there for you and instead, you rather try and keep things on your terms and under your control that your willing to let a good experience walk by you.

Sigh.

And through all this, im listening to Michelle Branch "Everywhere" and he is all i can think about...

I am starting to hate this whole love thing and my incessant ability to fall so damn hard in love that i feel like i can't come up to breathe when i should....

-S

p.s. I'm sorry for sounding slightly pathetic over a boy...its making me nauseous as i write.

Update?

Sometimes i think we really won't last because he doesn't let me in...its a little sad.

Meh...anyhow update!

I finally got a job! I'm a nurse at a hospital on a surgical floor ! :) I'm really excited, and nervous about whats gonna happen....moreso of the former than the latter. Right now my goals are to be debt free by the end of the year (Yaaaay!), to purchase a car in the next 6 months along with getting my g2, and to save some money for a new computer and to just save. We shall see how this goes but yea i'm super excited.

oH! I saw the Twilight movie Breaking dawn tonight....for the second time....and omg that was the best out of the 5....It was great and i will purchase the dvds as a result....i have no idea where im going to put them...but i will purchase them lol....So amazing!


Hope you guys are happy and healthy out there in the cyber world!

Love.Live.Life...

-S

Horny

I forgot how the patches make me so insanely horny....

So right now...i'm super horny and stuck in a predicament where all i can do is bake muffins instead of having the guy im dating, ram his hard dick into my waiting vagina...

Sigh...

ce la vie

-S

throwbacks

Listening to my cds brings about a type of joy in me that i haven't had in a while. I guess because they make me remember all the feelings that the songs used to evoke when i first heard them...

When we ooo by Janet Jackson makes me remember my first love..

One by one by Rikoshay and Natasha waterman (who i actually know and is a friend of mine!! ahhhh!)  reminds me to take things one step at a time...

Hip hop star by Beyonce helps me to remember all my sexy seductions...

My life and the way i've lived it breathes in all of these cds and i wouldn't change it or my past for anything ahha...

Gossip girl ..

OMG....watching these episodes is so sinful...

yet i can't turn away...dan and blair?

Lola is floating around with nate...jeez louise.

I was having a shitty day...but for some reason i feel better now haha Now to wash my  hair :)

-S aka apparently gossip girl? haha

boys...

Why can't he accept the fact that i wanted to surprise him for his birthday?!

Your going to be alone...i'm telling you that I want to come and be with you on your birthday and for new years...and your telling me that you need to wait and see? You tell me that you are not sure so don't do anything without telling you first? Seriously?

Boys...

If i'm being a dumb bitch, please let me know.

-S

Sexually frustrated...again!

Its odd when the female has more of a sex drive than the male does...

Why does this happen?! How does this happen?!

This is just odd to me. I could go hours...and days...just locked up in a room going at it like bunnies...and yet the guy i'm dating has no interest in it.

I'm boggled...

Boggled and now sexually frustrated.

And annoyed...ugh.

-S

parents just don't understand

So i get into a semi argument with my mother tonight...

She keeps saying "why don't you apply for those jobs? Even though they are asking for experience, you should just apply"

Yes i will apply for certain jobs which although experience is requested, i still think i can get the job done but when the job asks for 3 years experience in coronary care....i think its safe to say that applying for the job would be a waste of time.

She also keeps telling me to apply for jobs that would take me 2 hours to get to...Now i'm alright with travelling but when i have to get there for 7 in the am, that 2 hour drive during the day would take 2 1/2 or 3 hours with traffic.

Its like she thinks i'm giving up on nursing but i'm not...i just understand that its not only going to take time, but it as much as i should be going for anything i can get, i need to know my limitations.

There are times where i really do want to give up. I feel like its just so hard and that maybe there's something else i can do or should do. I feel like one day God will say to me, "You know kid, as much as i know you want to do nursing, there's something better for you out there." But then there are days where God is going to tell me "Your time is coming kid, just hold on a little longer!"

I guess we shall see which one im told...for now, i have an interview with an airline lol

love.live.life
-S

Relationship fuck up on purpose?

So with my current insomnia for the last little while, i've been thinking about my past relationships...because you know when you can't sleep...you have to analyze!

Anyway, i've come to the conclusion that with all of my relationships with the exception of one, i've done something to manipulate the relationship and essentially cause it to end. Now i'm aware that i'm doing it, and i'm not quite sure why i do it...but it always seems to happen. I cheated on one and didn't want to be with them knowing i was with someone else...with another, i had a wandering eye and we grew apart. With another one, i grew bored of him...moreso in the sense that i felt stagnated by our relationship and its lack of direction...but i'm thinking it was moreso of the fact that i wanted nothing more than to fuck around and be free but then again...i was a teenager.

I'm lying. That last one i spoke of was a great love to me. He taught me more than words can describe and there are days where i wish we stayed together because he made me happy. He made me sane, and he gave great head. At the end of the day, our demise was each other. We hadn't paid attention to each other like we used to and as a result, he went one way and i went another. We are good friends today thank god, but ever so often i look at him and i still see us at the alter saying "i do".

Anyway, enough of that mushy crap. Essentially, its almost 5 am and i was thinking. Do i love hard and fast until the circumstances no longer suit my purposes? Or do i like ending up in situations where i have to learn the hard way why not to fall for someone like them...

I lied in the beginning as well. I don't always manipulate the relationship to end...i get to a point where i get so scared of it going further and i mess it up, like my first relationship, that i somehow make something happen to cause its ending.

Maybe i'm talking too much crap because its so early and i don't get much sleep lately.

Maybe its the truth. Who knows. At this point, i'm dating someone and we have already spoken of marriage...(i've known him for 7 years...it was easy) not necessarily to each other, but the topic in general...we shall see how far this goes before i get scared...although im pretty sure i'm at that point now...

-S

It's been a minute

It's been a while since i've been on here and its mostly because a lot has happened from the last time i was on here....

Firstly, the job was lost due to the lack of correct management on their part. Basically, when you have teenagers running a company (not literally but you know what i mean) and you refuse to listen to your first line workers then you run the risk of losing majorly. This is exactly what has happened to this company and frankly i saw it coming last year when i started working there. I knew it was going to happen but i'm not sad...i'm not worried because i always seem to find myself back on my feet when it comes to working and making money so meh....


In other news, while i was on vacation in FL in july, a week after i found out i lost my job, i found out that i finally passed my exam!!!! I'm so excited because its been so much in the making. It has taken so much time and i'm just happy my last exam is finally done. I may not have to take another exam for the rest of my life. That is such a gratifying feeling that i cannot even describe. It makes me feel new and fresh....During the time that i was waiting for my results, my ex released his album and a song on there helped me relax and reevaluate my life. It made me really turn to God and ask him to let things happen. I had a talk with God. I know to some that may sound stupid but honestly, i needed to. I told him that i was grateful to still be alive. I told him that no matter what happens, that i know he has a plan for me and that i know i just need to relax and know that God would never let anything happen that he knows i cannot handle. I said thank you and that at the end of the day, i need to just let it go and let things happen. I need to free myself of any struggles that i feel and know that God will help me accomplish what i need to do. And that is exactly what is happening. I'm happy i finally did it because i don't think i've ever felt this relaxed and this happy. I know i've said that before but i really feel that this time. I feel light and happy. I think this is actually the reason why everything else in my life is falling into place.

In other news, i'm finally done with my ex and he just might be done with me to. Am i ok with that? At this point, with the way it happened, i might be because i feel like i was made out to be some heartless bitch who strung this guy along and didn't tell him that i was done. It had been over a year and i never made any inclinations that i wanted to be back with him and i told him time and time again not to wait for me because i wasn't sure i wanted to be back with him at the end of the day. My heart had moved on and while something in me knew i needed to tell him that it was done and over, it was hard to. When i finally did, i got a very angry response, granted it was warranted but at the end of the day, you don't ask for your stuff back and think that you can then act like some sort of torrid victim when it has been a year.

Sigh....in any case, we aren't talking and i'm alright with that. Right now i'm dating someone new and he's really cool. I've given myself time to really reevaluate myself and to just feel better about myself. I've told him i'm damaged goods and he laughed. He said that we can work on that and each other and i'm ok with that. I'm still technically single but i am not having sex and i'm dating this guy almost exclusively.

We shall see what will happen with that. So yea...thats what has been going on in my life lol....

Its been quite hectic. Right now i'm in Florida enjoying the sun and my last remnants of summer...Hope anyone else who actually takes the time to read this...is doing the same.

xoxo
-S

Hey kiddies, I know its been a while. I've been busy with life and stuff...so you know. I'm heading over to FL again. I'm like my bestie's mom in the sense that i use my friend's city as a retreat from my life. So until he moves, i continue to use him as my retreat haha All even get things shipped to my friend's address. Also, i'm waiting on my test results so we shall see what my career is going to be.

In other news...

i'm so fuckin uncomfortable.

I got my period today. Its on time for the first time in its life and yes im referring to it as a human entity onto itself because its acting like it.

It is making me so fucking uncomfortable. I'm tired but then again i'm not so i feel like sleeping however i feel like an insomniac. I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel like going for a bike ride because i'm so uncomfortable. But like who does that?
Ugh. I hate this.

I don't want to leave

Its been a little less than 24 hours since i've landed in Florida and already im convinced that i never want to leave. I love the city. I love the poeple and the weather and the little lizards that ive been seeing. I love it all...


Dont make me go back lol....I dont wanna leave! Sigh, but other than all that lovely stuff, i had a very interesting dream.

I was taking a shower. It was a hot shower and i was listening to music and just enjoying my shower. Then someone came in and stood behind me. He touched my side gently and told me that this was my surprise. I was confused because taking a shower was soemthing we always did, i told him. But that wasn't what he meant, i was in store for something different...something new. As i stood there, taking in the hot water, he continued to caress my sides and it felt really nice...i started to imagine the different scenarios that could play out at that very moment and then i was turned around. He kissed me in a way he never did before. It was soft yet passionate, with a purpose almost...and no matter what his purpose might have been, getting me extremely excited was already achieved. His hands wandered my body like it was his personal playground and i couldn't help but follow suit. I felt his fingertips on my nipples, my stomach, up and down my legs and finally on my butt. He pulled me in closer and then up against the wall. It didn't hurt, but i wouldn't have minded either way. As the water beaded down my body, his lips followed the drops of water down my body to my nipples. He licked and sucked and made me very curious about where this was going...until he came up to my face and lifted my leg. I asked him what he was doing, and he said nothing but connected our lips and slipped himself inside. I gasped...

Then i woke up...damn.

I don't like when people wake me up during those dreams lol...oh well. Hopefully it will continue another day and ill get to know how it ends.

It never fails

So my mom asks me what i bought for my neice for her birthday and while im telling her, she seems to be more focussed on my stomach and thighs....

It never fails. My mom has this disturbing, disgusting way of making me completely and utterly bad about my body because i'm not this slim girl i used to be when i was 15. I have a tummy and i have thighs and an ass and she makes me feel like its the worst thing in the world. As soon as i start to feel a little better about my body....she makes me feel worse. I was actually starting to think, you know what...yes i have some pudge but i can work on it and im still beautiful because someone thinks so. Yet, in a single moment....she makes me hate my body all over again.

I hate that she can do that. It makes me feel so sad inside and i doubt she even cares as her and my brother laugh and talk every day, i stay in my room  so i can gain some sanity and feel like someone actually gives a damn about me.

Middle child syndrome. No one cares about me in this house except my daddy whose not always home but when he is and we talk, i actually feel important...

Sigh...

Til the sun...

Im 2 weeks away from fun in the sun!!! i cant wait!...i am still pudgy but i dont have the push to do the cardio!! lol hopefully soon haha

Found it on an app i downloaded

This is Real love ♥ The best relationship is when you two can act like lovers and best friends. It's when you have more playful moments than serious moments. It's when you can joke around,have unexpected hugs,and random kisses. It's when you two give each other that specific stare and just smile. It's when you'll rather chill inside to watch movies, eat junk food,and cuddle than go out all the time. It's when you'll stay up all night just to settle your arguments and problems. It's when you can completely act yourself and they can still love you for who you are. ♥

I cannot wait to have this again...

Developing news

So there's a very big possibility that i have PCOS.

I'm scared and im not all at the same time.

I wont know for sure and what im going to do for another week or 2...going for my ultrasound next friday.

Everything else is fine though! Going to Florida in a few weeks and im excited for warm weather plus its the closest thing i can get to going to warm weather since i cant get to the caribbean like i want. It works to have a friend in Florida though ahaha Especially with all this on my mind