Relationship fuck up on purpose?

So with my current insomnia for the last little while, i've been thinking about my past relationships...because you know when you can't sleep...you have to analyze!

Anyway, i've come to the conclusion that with all of my relationships with the exception of one, i've done something to manipulate the relationship and essentially cause it to end. Now i'm aware that i'm doing it, and i'm not quite sure why i do it...but it always seems to happen. I cheated on one and didn't want to be with them knowing i was with someone else...with another, i had a wandering eye and we grew apart. With another one, i grew bored of him...moreso in the sense that i felt stagnated by our relationship and its lack of direction...but i'm thinking it was moreso of the fact that i wanted nothing more than to fuck around and be free but then again...i was a teenager.

I'm lying. That last one i spoke of was a great love to me. He taught me more than words can describe and there are days where i wish we stayed together because he made me happy. He made me sane, and he gave great head. At the end of the day, our demise was each other. We hadn't paid attention to each other like we used to and as a result, he went one way and i went another. We are good friends today thank god, but ever so often i look at him and i still see us at the alter saying "i do".

Anyway, enough of that mushy crap. Essentially, its almost 5 am and i was thinking. Do i love hard and fast until the circumstances no longer suit my purposes? Or do i like ending up in situations where i have to learn the hard way why not to fall for someone like them...

I lied in the beginning as well. I don't always manipulate the relationship to end...i get to a point where i get so scared of it going further and i mess it up, like my first relationship, that i somehow make something happen to cause its ending.

Maybe i'm talking too much crap because its so early and i don't get much sleep lately.

Maybe its the truth. Who knows. At this point, i'm dating someone and we have already spoken of marriage...(i've known him for 7 years...it was easy) not necessarily to each other, but the topic in general...we shall see how far this goes before i get scared...although im pretty sure i'm at that point now...

-S